My Apology

I would like to issue an apology to my friends and fans. It seems that yesterday, an Internet site devoted to tabloid trash published a nude photograph of me. As you can imagine, chaos ensued.

Now, let me be clear. I had absolutely nothing to do with the posting of such crude materials. Indeed, I did not send this photograph to various news outlets and online publications. I did not put extra postage on the envelopes to ensure proper delivery. And though [Censored by WordPress], the only website that ran the photos, happened to be registered to my name, I had absolutely nothing to do with their entry to the public domain.

Digglewink and Smith LLP is, as you know, a family business. Well, let me clarify. We do not actually represent families. Indeed, it is rare for two members of a specific family to even set foot inside our offices at one time. But still, we have a generally favorable attitude towards the idea of families. They’re fine. So it is that I feel I must apologize to America’s families for the appearance of my nude picture on the Internet.

I am not, as you know, the first person to have nude photographs turn up on the Internet. Indeed, I was preceded by such prominent athletes as Greg Oden, Chris Cooley, and Babe Ruth, the last of whose nude pictures finally after all this time explained his nickname. But while I am not the first and will undoubtedly not be the last, I am embarrassed nonetheless, and hope no one else will see these photos at the website, [Censored by WordPress].

I guess the question on everyone’s minds is how this recent scandal will affect my life and my career. In short, it won’t. I won’t let it. Sure, one might think that the emergence of such photographs might catapult me to the front pages. One might think that I might become a sexual icon for a new decade, or fodder at least for late night talk show hosts. One might think that this picture would bring some semblance of celebrity. But no. It won’t. I will not let it. Because I, Peter Digglewink, want none of those things. I want only for no one to have ever seen those photographs at all.

To close, my friends, I would like to apologize once and for all to my family (read: cats), friends (read: coworkers), clients (read: client), and to anyone who might have seen the photo at [Censored by WordPress]. I apologize.